I feel like I am terrible friend…
Two weeks ago we posted a great blog [I mean..not to toot our own horn or anything *toot toot*] detailing the trials of losing yourself in motherhood. Click here to read more! This inspired me to discuss some further trials I find myself dwelling over in the late hours of the night.
So back to the original statement: I feel like I am a terrible friend. I am blessed to have made many friendships over my years in high school, college, sorority, nursing school, getting my master’s degree, various jobs here and there, and just life. In fact I consider myself a “people collector”. [Before you freak out, no I am not skinning people and wearing them prancing around my bedroom at night]. I find meeting people and hearing their stories to be enthralling. I consider it like my own little reality TV show. [Speaking of this season of Vanderpump rules is a dud – can I get an amen?!] With that said, I have a lot of people I try to keep in touch with from time to time. But, here recently I feel like I just can’t keep up! I mean…I am wondering if I am in early onset dementia at this point. I feel like I forget EVERYTHING. I find myself never responding, forgetting to check in on people, double booking playdates, visits, or lunches with friends. I THINK I AM GOING INSANE. I even have a digital planner and a written planner.
This life is crazy – mom life. Half the time my hair is a mess, my clothes are stained, and my house looks like Toys-R-Us threw up in it. But when that little boy looks up at me and smiles, I just know that it doesn’t matter – he’s happy. And his happiness is the most important thing. Still, I find myself second guessing my ability to “mom”. I doubt myself constantly. I compare and contrast my life to other mom’s lives. [Don’t worry – that blog post is coming soon!] I even compare my life to my child-free friends. [Freaking instagram…] By the way, that is never a good idea. It never ends well. Yet, sometimes I find myself scrolling to see what my friends are up to. Just to feel like I can keep up with their lives. And, partially, to help myself remember exactly what they told me they were up to. Because, let’s face it, I have motherhood induced early alzheimer’s. I can’t remember what I ate for breakfast [wait….did I even eat?] There’s no way I can keep up with who my friend met a the bar last weekend, or who they matched with on tinder, or what weekend trip they have planned. And, yes part of me REALLY wants to keep up. Then there is that small part of me that just feels too tired to try. Just when I think I can handle a full blown text conversation and gather all the of “dirty” details from my friend – I find myself falling asleep reading text messages, or forgetting what I just said to my friend on the phone, losing my train of thought mid sentence, or jumping up to catch my baby from busting his head open during bath time. So how do I cope with this? I tell myself things like – I AM GOING CRAZY. I tell myself I am not good enough. I tell myself I should be better. Yet, why do I do this? [Maybe I should expound upon this in a future post].
Is this normal? Are you crazy too??
This is a normal part of motherhood I’m sure. And, this is probably the reason my childless friends say parents only talk about their kids. [Can you blame us? First of all, they are cute. Second of all, we are over here surviving not thriving!!!!] Let’s be honest here, my mind is in a million places at all times. [No wonder I am so obsessed with organization posts on instagram.] One second I am getting my kid ready for school [daycare] and the next I am trying to remember to pick up my groceries. [Shout out to Walmart grocery pickup – girl, you can even have them bring toys to your car – also wine, hello!] Then comes the full time 40+ hour a week job I work, cleaning the house, laundry, meal planning, and just general necessities for surviving. And that is just DAILY ACTIVITIES. That doesn’t include the ridiculous amount of time it takes to wash, dry, and fix my hair. [Hence the reason why I have a “mom bob”. Don’t knock it til you try it, ladies!]
The craziest part is – I ONLY HAVE ONE CHILD – and a man child [Husbands….am I right?]. How are you moms making it with more than one kid??? I would love to hear!!! Comment below pleaseeee.
I love my friends. But, it is exhausting trying to find time to keep up. So, that is why I feel like a terrible friend. And, I am sure that everyone understands, especially my mom tribe. I just can’t help but feel like I am losing touch with people I truly love. I know this is a season in life, and sometimes friends grow apart. But, I hate being the one growing apart the fastest. I have to remind myself that my family is my priority. [Sounds obvious right? But sometimes I miss that life before kids]. I know it sounds crazy. I have always been the type of girl to consider her friends soulmates. And I still feel that way. Of course my closest soul sisters will always be in my life, and perhaps when they begin families of their own we might find new ways to connect. These seasons of life are bittersweet for me. Since my brother’s death in 1998, I find it hard to move on from seasons of life. I don’t like goodbyes, and change is hard for me to accept. Albeit, change is a great thing.
New seasons of life bring new people, new friendships, and fantastic new experiences. So new season of life are a GREAT thing. And I am SO grateful for that.
For now, I’d like to send my “old season” friends a little open letter.
To my “old season” friends: I love you each very dearly. We may not speak everyday anymore. I may not remember to answer your texts. I may not remember our lunch dates. But I promise to always remember you. I will always love you. But, right now, life is busy – extreme – hectic even. I am stumbling over myself to work full time, raise a child, maintain a household, try to find myself, and then when I get one minute of peace I treat myself to a bubble bath, a good book, or an ounce of sleep. After all of that, I might find the energy to write you back or check in. But don’t hold it against me if I can’t. It’s not you. It’s me. It’s this season of life. It will pass. I will miss these days, and I might even look back and regret missing a few things. But, this baby is only a baby for a little while. And I am going to miss that the most. So just know, I still love you. I still want to know what’s going on in your lives. Please reach out. Even if I don’t respond – keep trying. I promise I will get back to you eventually. And it isn’t because I don’t think you are important. I do. It is because I have this beautiful angel child looking up at me. It is because I owe him everything. It is because he deserves his mommy when he needs her. It is because I am giving him the best life I know how. And that means sacrificing my time in other ways. That means bringing him to our lunch dates, letting him learn to love you as much as I do, and making new memories together. I may not be as carefree as I once was. But deep down inside, I am still a good time. 🙂
Does anyone else feel this way? It can’t just be me. Leave your thoughts below! I’d love to know I’m not alone.